ChangingLogan

spastico

2008-09-20T00:07:06Z

well i just read through my posts from the summer and realized that since a fair bit has changed/evolved i should really do an update.
plus i really like having some kind of tangible marker of where i've been and where i'm going.
altho life isn't really all that linear.
well maybe if you're someone who learns things the first time, but for me it's more of a loop-de-loop!

lesseee... i'm helping harvest veggies and that's always fun! yay for digging in the dirt searching for those pretty blue and red potatoes. and woooooooo for pulling up the babiest of carrots and scrubbing them clean and munching on em.
and yippppeee for climbing apple trees and gathering way too many in the excitement of it alllll and then spending 12+ hours in the kitchen making every kind of appley delight you can imagine.(anyone want some applesauce or date apple chutney or apple juice...and that's just the beginning)

so home life is fun right now and it's great to feel like i'm getting into that comfortable routine of existence. especially since i spent most of august running around with buddies and then roadtripping with my momma and finally helping michelle move to st john's.

i am doing the ott program (orientation to trades and technology for women) that i mentioned in a previous post. it's been a summer of effing around and trying to figure out the system and it felt like i was losing and there were moments of stress and panic. but in the end it worked out better than i could have hoped. i had accepted that HRLE wasn't gonna give me funding and after flirting with the idea of applying for income support i backed down in the face of the scary forms. they wanted to own me and i couldn't deal with that. so the college said that i could just pay regular college tuition (bit over $1,000) rather than the actual cost of the program (read: $10,000) and while i didn't exactly have the money i agreed because it was worth it. figured i'd get a part time job while going to school and since i'm living off dear old dad i don't need to worry about rent or food.

THENNNNNNNNNN yesterday the woman who i've been getting help from called and said that the program would be paid for :D which is awesome because then the college gets the full value from HRLE and i don't need to worry about getting shortchanged or kicked out if too many people drop out etc.... since the whole reason the college was able to offer me the deal was because all the other women were getting sponsored.

see the program covers everything! travel and equipment and clothing and when we travel we are even paid a per diem. so it's pretty fucking sweet but i was worried if i wasn't sponsored that i'd have to pay for all the extra stuff. but now there's no worries!!!

and what makes the whole thing more amazing is that all these people were working behind the scenes for me. i had given up on the idea and they continued to advocate for me because they cared. so i feel pretty much in love with the world right now. lookeee the world really is a good place kids!

leaving michelle in st john's was super hard. but it's also incredible to know that we're so connected to each other already (altho it hasn't been so long timewise i figure we got past life stuff going on or something) that i know we're gonna be okay. it feels like she's my partner in this. i'm gonna get out to see her and she's gonna come out and visit me. it's a wicked feeling this mutuality thing. definitely give it a try :P i'll be in st john's for thanksgiving weekend/my birthday celebration.

ohhhh and i fergot! the reason i can say with such surety when i'll be in sj is becauseeeeeeeee....wait for it.... i have a car! well it's not actually mine..more of a lender from my baby step bro who's in university and doesn't get to take it with him. it's a sweet little pontiac sunfire? or something like that. hahahah. i suck so bad at cars. but now i know how to check oil and fill up washer fluid and check brake fluid and how to get a boost if my battery dies and fill up tires with air and check the radiator thing. kekekekek. i feel so butchy. and i know just the fact that i feel that way because i know some stuff makes me the opposite of butchy. but shhhhhhhh let me live my dream!

okay phewffffff. done with updates. i'm pumped for school on monday and home life is good and i'm in love with the most beautiful and loverly dudeeeeface (read: michelle)

so be happy for me dammitttttt! and i'll be happy for you :D

warning: she vomits flowers

2008-08-14T04:08:17Z

you know those annoying cute little anime characters that are short and squat and turn their eyes into boingy hearts and vomit flowers...
well i've become one

seriously feel free to shoot me (or throw ashley's scabs at me, which is a worse fate according to me)
i don't know what to do with myself.
but secret of secrets i'm kind of enjoying my total love sick lameness
because a) it's reciprocated
and b) sometimes it's fun to not worry about keeping it all cool so you don't get hurt

but if you see me in the street you might want to avoid me cause its a little out of control. i can't promise that i won't spontaneously burst into songs of the disney princess variety. or that i won't skip down the street dragging you with me.

of course i'm sure i'll find way to ruin it all by farting or getting spinach in my teeth or slipping on a banana peel but it's dangerous and unexplored territory nonetheless.

but you know what i deserve thissss *crosses arms and puts down foot*
i've had lots of years of complicated brutal relationships and it's time for things to be easy and fun and lovely.

on the home front things are a-ok. i got upset with my dad the other day for telling me to clean my room in front of some peeps. and he wasn't very tactful and didn't take into consideration the fact that i had been working non-stop and was stuck in cb. we finally talked about it today since when the situation actually happened i just emotionally shut down, as per usual. so we were driving today and he asked how i was doing and i said stressed and he said what about and i talked about lots of other stuff.... and almost didn't bring it up at all cause i didn't want him to react badly but finally i said "you know dad i really didn't like it when you told me to clean my room in from of michelle and my friends the other day. i found it pretty embarrassing and inappropriate etc etc" and he agreed with me and apologised!!!!! holyyy smokesssssss. so of course i got all teary just from the release of tension and we talked for a while and it was good. told him how i was scared of being isolated in deer lake etc etc. i gotta remember to give him the benefit of the doubt. i'm not in high school anymore and he's changed a lot. i just need to keep making myself open. which is a really hard thing for me. i definitely struggle with it since once you make yourself open to someone you face rejection. butttt. i can do it. at least i think i can.

and then later he came down to the tv room and apologised again and asked if i wanted to watch a movie with him tonight and eat some popcorn. so that's what we did :D i love my dad. we're just so similar sometimes. hardheaded.

pigs and berries

2008-08-10T15:43:31Z

eating berries by the spoonful that me and michelle and amy and ash picked yesterday. i basically forced them too :D
and now i'm eating all of them.hahahah.
i narrowly avoided eating a little wormy maggot. prolly would've served me right.
and the fact that i only found one of them makes me think i might have eaten a few others. yummm protein!
so i'm alternating between extreme happiness and extreme stress right now.
i know things are gonna balance out. well i hope so.
babysitting is gonna end in a week. thank goddddddddd.
altho then i need to do some thinking about money.
i'm still waiting to hear back about funding for the ott program. it would settle some things if i knew for sure i was going to get it. i have a plan B in the works but this program would do a lot for me i think.
my dad is making me mental.
and i thought the purpose of letting me live at the ranch was not to make me mental...
i know i need to just talk to him about some stuff because he doesn't understand how some things affect me.
like he thinks because i don't respond it doesn't get to me but when i don't respond that's because it's affecting me the most and my non-response is a defense mechanism so i don't lose it completely. i mean he's my dad and as much as i do the rebellious thing sometimes i still have that stupid ingrained father worship bullshit and i hate to disappoint him and it kills me when i think i might be doing that and of course that's the card he always plays...gah
my eating and sleeping and physical activity level is fucked up.... not a good feeling. i need some space to get back to myself but i'm working so much that i don't have more than a day to myself. and i know i need at least two or three days to feel balanced.
butttt on the bright side being with michelle is like the most amazing thing everrrr :D :D :D
i don't need to hide any part of myself which is refreshing (altho all of you in healthy relationships are probably like "hide a part of yourself? wtf logan...what kind of fucked up shit were you involved in before???" hahahaha) anddd yahhh pretty much as happy as a pig in shit. how's that fer romance?

newsies

2008-07-24T22:09:58Z

so
i'm back to living with the folks. soon to be on the ranch. moving in this weekend. stuff's good i think. smart move maybe altho it takes getting used to. dad and i clashed for the first time yesterday and today. wanted to beat his face in. man he can make me feel so fucking small. i hate that he has that effect on me.
the feelings it brings up in me are intense. whenever i feel like someone affects me enough that my emotions are no longer in my control i wanna shove them out of my life. likeeee. today when we clashed i wanted to suck back into myself so no one could reach me and i wanted to tell dad i was moving out.
it's funny to have such extreme responses to things that are not such a big deal. well they shouldn't be a big deal but for some reason my emotions get stirred up intensely over things that for anyone else would be nothing.
but i guess the thing is to just be aware of it. and when i get those feelings to try and ride them out without doing anything extreme. cause i always regret it afterwards when i've calmed down.

i'm also looking into doing a trade in the next year. i think i'm mostly interested in welding but i don't know enough about it to be sure. there's an orientation to trades and technology program for women that i thought was maybe kinda lame before but i talked to some people about it today and it might make sense for me. especially if i can get funding. basically it's a six month program where i get hands on experience with a bunch of trades as well as just personal development stuff (which i def need cause i have huge issues with work ethic and following through on stuff... it would be cool to have some space to explore that) and i also get to complete courses that i would need to do for a trade anyway (like first aid and workplace health and safety and math and physics and computers) so i would get advanced standing in a trade program. also the welding programs have waiting lists so even if i apply now (which i am doing) i won't get in until sept 2009.

my family isn't really a community college kind of family which is funny cause my dad works at college of the north altantic. but he's a fucking snob sometimes with his phd. when i told him what i was considering he looked at me like i was crazy and laughed. which was pretty hurtful for sure. but i glad i didn't shut down in the face of that (altho it took me a few breaths to calm down) and i explained my rationale. which is that i want stability in my life. i want a job that can support my passions as well as myself and my partner. i also want a job that i don't have to take home with me. both my parents are academics and teachers and their jobs follow them everywhere. i don't handle stress well. i don't need to be intellectually challenged in the workplace because i crumble under that kind of pressure. i make sure i am always learning and growing in my daily life. i want a kind of job that keeps me active because i get spastic if i sit in one place for too long or if i can't move my body. i hate offices. when i do something that's physical and repetitive it's like meditation to me. it's healing. i want security in a job. i want shit laid out for me so i can do it because i have a hard time keeping myself on track.

anyway for all those reasons and more i want to explore trades. and i think dad could see where i was coming from.

there's also a new girl in my life. i haven't written anything about it until now but i guess i'm feeling pretty solid with her. she's pretty fucking special and it's definitely a crazy connection that i haven't experienced before. and there's a chillness to it that i can appreciate coming out of a year and a half off again on again relationship that was always intense and exhausting and always hard work. when i talk to people about it i just explain that it's like the opposite of what i had before where i always was on edge and trying so hard to keep things good. in this case- with new girl- it would take a lot of hard work and effort to make what is between us shitty. and i'm not really interested in hard work these days :P it's summmer timeeeee!

misadventures in babyland

2008-07-16T19:01:20Z

jaysuzzzzz

beats head in with dora the explorer paraphernalia

never having kids never having kids never having kids never having kids

so i like kids
but holy heck. not when it comes to babysitting for 24hrsx4 plus 3x13hrs STRAIGHTTTT
and i'm only on day 3 of the 24 hours
wants to cryyyyyy

the kids are pretty cool even. but i feel so trapped i want to chew off my own leg
cause like i can't go anywhere or do anything without loading up mommy van with whiny kids and all their junk. can't go for an hour without bringing snacks and entertainment and they have shorter attention spans than i do!

complain about everyyything

and when i give completely rational instructions like "please don't throw rocks at that truck" or "please brush your teeth" they look at me like i'm the antichrist.

and the one time i tried to cook them something remotely resembling healthy food they threated to tell their mom that they didn't want me to ever come back babysitting again. of course i replied "give 'errrrr"
heh
and now i just let them eat whatever crap they're used to. can't save 'em all.

yah i don't really put up with a lot. and i am a bit evil cause i let them get all riled up about stuff if they want to. but whateves. just trying to cope. single mothers always had my respect but now they have my fucking worshippppp.

i nose nothin

2008-07-07T22:59:31Z

oh dudessss
i so don't know what i'm doing

ashley you are right. don't count on me for st john's. cause i don't have a fuckin clueeeeeeeee.
i'm now looking up programs in trades and technology. yep yep.

dad wants me to move to the ranch.
oh yah. he bought a ranch.

and i don't wanna be away from marble over the winter.
that's lame huh
see it's pointless to post anything here.
cause i just change my mind two seconds later and feel like a dweebface.

that's right. a dweebfaceeeeeee!

meh

2008-07-04T13:37:58Z

i haven't been able to write here lately.
i'll start something and stop
or even post something and delete it a few min later
i've realised it's a strange feeling to let people into your head when you don't know where your head is.
some kind of vulnerability.

since i got back from halifax things have been all craziness
i'm living in rez at the school
my cat is still gone and gone for good
my year long off again on again has been off for 2 weeks today
the longest it ever has been and i guess that means it's sticking

and it's hard especially when i'm suddenly hearing all the stuff i wanted to hear from the beginning
i never believed in too little too late
but now i can understand emotional exhaustion

looks like i might be in st john's in the fall doing another college diploma
right now i'm waiting on a babysitting gig to start to get me stress free through this summer

i don't know why i'm even updating this. i got nothing!
anyone who is in my life and who i want to know all this messy randomness probably already knows it.
think this might be my last entry.

don't be surprised if i disappear :) altho i do like reading other people's secrets. sighhhhh. it's a toss up.

halifax balifax

2008-05-19T18:37:16Z

sitting in my sister's teeny but lovely apartment
been here since wednesday leaving again on wednesday
my bro and his gf were here as well for the weekend
wood sibling reunion :D
always good times!

got out to the gay bar and made some new friends
watched a dude set himself on fire
saw a few drag queens
and an especially lovely king

now i'm feeling lost for a couple reasons i think.
i just moved out of where i was staying in corner brook
and left things kind of weird

actually that's the deal... i did my usual "need to get out now" without thinking about casualties
moved out of my house
left jack and people behind
ended something with someone
left art show unfinished
disappointed friends
didn't print shirts

basically i didn't follow through and that knowledge makes me miserable
didn't wanna feel so i got caught up in leaving and visiting and doing
and now the adrenalin is gone and i'm left feeling just as lost as i did when i started

someone told me that they didn't know where we were. makes my heart hurt cause i don't wanna tangle someone up in my stuff. funny thing is that i'm doing exactly what i get so scared about--- pushing the people away who i care about so much.

anyway i'm coming back to cb on the 22nd so i can hopefully repair some damage. say sorry to some peoples faces. and try to pick up the pieces.

but then i'm heading to st john's to follow through on my past life regression.
the last one i did was about my dad. not sure if i wrote about it here... maybe in my old lj. anyway he and i had a crappy crappy relationship for years. and i understood part of it but there were things i couldn't forgive or get past. cause it seemed to me like he had been the one to fuck up bigtime. i blamed everything on him. anyway i knew i wanted it to be better and i also knew that i wanted to do a past life regression. my mom had done a few and told me about them and a good friend of mine did one after we talked about it and i had been reading about them for a while.
a friend of my mom's did it for me. and it was intense although it took me a while to get into that place of deep meditation and trust this other person to guide me through whatever was happening (i like to be in control of myself so it was a challenge) anyway i went backwards on a journey. two different lives that helped explain some of the emotional and unreasonable reactions i had to my dad and that he had to me.
it was funny because i didn't even need to talk to him about it later. it was enough that i understood and could see that whatever problems we had were not only his doing. it let me be a part of the solution. and now 2 years later we have an amazing relationship.
i guess i feel like cause it worked for me so well (altho i question it a lot in many ways i cannot question the fact that it changed things for the better) i want to use it again for this thing that i'm finding super hard.
mainly how to accept love and feel secure in it and not run away from life all the time.
i don't mean just with people i'm dating... like in general with friends and stuff.
finding a place where i can really trust my friends and my loves and be okay with the messiness of stuff.
cause normallyy i just wait till things start to fuck up and then i do spring cleaning where i move away (i've moved 11 times at least... and that doesnt include moving to multiple houses in one city) and leave boyfriend/girlfriend and purposely lose touch with friends and start all fresh.
it's kind of an addiction. my great escape plan.

anddd in case you can't tell i'm sick to death of it.
sick of not being willing to work for things that are important to me
sick of not trusting people and therefore being up and down and up and down
sick of not being able to relax into the idea of being in someone's life and having them in mine
sick of holding shit in until it unpleasantly explodes instead of being upfront and giving the person the chance to respond
sick of leaving stuff undone (for other people to figure out)
sick of being so goddam sensitive cause i'm so afraid someone's trying to hurt me
sick of being so effin analytical cause i'm always trying to stay one step ahead of the game and interpret the persons moods feelings so i can act accordingly and not be caught off guard and therefore hurt
sick sick sick of always running away

so yah :P this is stuff i've been thinking about for a while but i feel like it's come to a head in cb cause there's so many people who i care about and i like my life and i fell flat on my arse in love. makes me actually wanna deal....

L

change change change

2008-05-05T14:23:44Z

guess its that time again...
cant write about it now cuz im glommed up in the middle of it
and i can see it happening and almost touch it but im not sure how its all gonna pan out.

expect rambling explanatory analytical post sometime soon.

ps. i am going to halifax for a week
pps. in st johns i am doing another past life regression

changinglogan @ 2008-04-24T17:06:00

2008-04-24T19:40:09Z

weeellll...
im finally getting on the ball with the screen printing. woot woot.
i did some shirts a couple weeks ago but then was waiting for my american apparel order to come in.
and its in :D

so printy printy inky dirty for me

exciting but nervousness

signed up for crazy business type stuff like a paypal account and special shipping rates with canada post.

and having an exhibition for the month of may at the arts and culture centre.

my personal life is a mish-mash
but i guess thats how things go.

my computer is set to french canadian and dont know how to change it. so im not using apostrophes or question marks etc etc. what fun.

the end

big life update

2008-03-18T15:08:06Z

soooohhhhhhh
my last update was in nov.
craziness.
well since then. i've dropped out of school. took a kitchen doughbitch job at pizza delightful (except it wasn't so delightful. so i quit. and just finished my two weeks notice on thursday)

to anyone outside of my life i can admit that it appears to be an alarming trajectoryyy
\
i dropped out of school! and then i quit my job! and now i am jobless and unschooled!

and i feel fucking wonderful :D

wonderful x 10

and here are some upcomings that are pretty sweet

my roomie is opening the most fantabulous cafe/pub in the universe and i get to tag along for the ride.keekekekekekekke... and of course offer my support and work my butt offff...

i'm prepping now for a wicked cool camp contract where i get to work with local aboriginal youth and facilitate what might possibley be the most fun science camp ever. and i thought i didn't like science *shakes head at self*

anddd i heart snowboarding. likeee.. not just a little bit. more like a "where have you been all my life" thing. it's true love. so i'm trying to figure out how to do a snowboard instructors course this season.

i live with two amazing girls (8 and 10) who swell my heart more and more every day. i feel like the reformed grinch. sometimes i stay home on the weekends to cuddle up on the couch with them under blankets and watch nancy drew, or stick it, or ever after (notice the abundance of positive grrrrrllll examples) and we talk about aqua's barbie girl (and what it means to say that someone can take you anywhere and undress you everywhere and that all you wanna do is party :P hahahah)

and and and. i switched hats with the ten year old one night. and she decided to do an impression of me which consisted of ridicuously flailing around and announcing "i'm LOOGGGGAAAAANNN... and i like GIIIIIRRRLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSS"
bahahahahahahah.
she was smack on.

so yah. lovefest in loganville 24/7

oh i fergot. i'm also doing a crazy cool biketrip thing in the fall. check out www.otesha.com . basically i live in a sustainable mobile community for 2 months and travel across atlantic canada (there are different tours to choose from) stopping in various communities to engage in performance and facilitate workshops around local sustainability. so you will soon be seeing me in short short biker shorts with power thighs cruising around town. hahahah. well maybe not that exact image. it'll prolly be more like an out of breath red faced logan huffing and puffing down west street. and to be honest... biker shorts scare me just a little :S

not tooo much longer

2007-11-13T18:47:02Z

holy sheetttt what a quick term. it feels almost over for me (altho i have tons of work to do)
cuz i'm going to montreal/ottawa nov 27...
and the super cool part is that i told them to put my final destination as halifax!!!
hahah
which means i get to see baby sis
anddddd i get to see my girl before she goes to ghana!!!!!!
:D
pretty pumped about it i must sayyyy
and i've been going to the gym. like full on. it's only been a week but i'm loving it. so we'll see what happens.
i also picked up some snowboarding gear! i've been wanting to for years but it never seemed the right time cuz i never lived close to marble. but now i dooooo...i went afew times last year but it's a pain in the arse when you've got to pay to rent gear and then for hill pass. so i'm getting a season pass for xmas and i've got all my own stuff now...
watch out!!haha
actually i'm serious... i might run you down. i'm not so good at this thing yet!

decisions made

2007-10-26T13:12:42Z

i wrote a little while ago about applying for this thing that would probably give me a chance to face up to some painful memories.
last night they called and said that i was selected.
soooo.. at the end of nov i'll be heading to montreal and ottawa for some media and human rights training.
thanks universe!
:D
i'm moving out of my place. i'm giving them my formal notice at the end of this month. but i'll stay for nov and dec if they need me to.
i'm really hoping that kris and i find a house. i want to live with a family. and i love caleb so much and he's getting so big!
i spent the evening and night at angela's place. there is an energy here that is lovely. so i'm feeling relaxed and peaceful. plus it's friday!! and halloween parties abound this weekend!

depressfest? (aka way too sorry for myself)

2007-10-23T17:23:49Z

weeelllll... methinks i have hit a depressed headspace.
for me i guess it's mostly situational.
likeeee... most of the time i can deal with the stuff in my head enough that things are okay and even wicked deadly
but then every so often the stars align in such a way that i go fucking nuts.
that's pretty where where i am right now.
and have been for the majority of the term.
pretty much i wanna quit life... not die... but quit most of what's happening here.
quit school, quit my house and my cat and my roomates, quit food, quit all ten million of my jobs, quit needing money, quit my heart...
you get the idea.
i was moping last night and half jokingly whined to mr ben "i think i'm depressed"
and mr ben said "no you're not"
and i said "yah i am"
and he said" well you're not having trouble getting out of bed and staying clean and stuff"
and then i said "yah i am"
because i am. and then even though i said it as a joke i think maybe it's true. because i'm having to drag myself out of bed and mostly i just want to lie there and disappear into nothingness. and i can't muster up anything in me to get to class. so usually i don't go. i have handed in basically nothing for any classes all term. and i wear the same clothes for days on end (yep that includes underwear...sorry but it's true)
plus i generally want to be in some state of intoxication. but at always the wrong times. i don't want to go out and party on the weekends. i want to drink a bottle of wine on monday nights or thursday afternoons or friday mornings and be drunk and watch "i am earl" or "queer as folk" or "slings and arrows". and then fall into numbing sleep.
the end (no not of me...just of this crappy complainingishness)

barfday?

2007-10-16T16:21:27Z

so i ended up having a super fun and unexpected birthday :D
i think it was nicer because i didn't plan anything or stress out over anything. it was sweeeettt.
i met up with some people on saturday to get coffee for kris's birthday (hers is sat, mine is sun) and it was soooo nice just chillin. so i figured i'd have a house party that night. oh myyyyyy.
so anyone i bumped into i told about it...and said they could bring whoever...and it was an amazing night!
i drank my face off
flashed my titties (apparentlyyyy)
jammed with angela and kris ahead of time...and then with random people once the party started
i start making home fries like crazy... and thought it was a good idea to rub curry power through my hands (to bring out the flavour...guess i thought it worked the same way as oreganooo) and dyed my hands yellow
waved the potato knife around in the air to make points in conversation
laughed my arse off
found a place for jack to stay until xmas (actually found several places cuz everyone loves himmm)
got a card that has a penis almost as big as mine (almost but not quite)
then sunday morning i did my digital media/nude modeling project
and proceeded to be very hungover and eat lots of food in hopes of making it less (it didn't work!)
thennnn...went home to deer lake for delicious supper of crab and salad stuff... with partridge berry applesauce cake!
talked to mom and bro and sissy and mel.
went to bed with jack...best sleep everrrrrrrrr.
and now of course it's back to work.

dropped off the face

2007-10-08T21:05:48Z

weeeelll. i guess i've been doing disappearing acts all term so far. i dunno what it is. it's not that i'm depressed and anti-social.
just that i have no money...well less than no money. so going out isn't much of a possibility.
plus i've been super focused on school and new home and little kitty
trying to keep things okay with distant love and not get to crazy about it
and doing the art show and now making more art...
last year i was so stuck on making things happen and gearing up get-togethers. and now i just don't feel the same.
i just wanna be happy and healthy and go to bed early and not drink very much and be present in my body and follow this new love thing without freaking out too much because i'm terrified.
cuz i am terrified you know. i can't really explain it. it's nothing logical. and it's nothing about the person i'm with. i've just never been with anyone i trust as much. anyone who i can be so honest with. and so much me..all bare and fucked up and everything.
so i guess i've never faced my true commitment issues as well. like i joke about it all the time. but now i've got someone who calls me on it. and doesn't let me run away. and while i don't know anything about the future. the fact that i'm able to even look at this stuff now with someone is pretty damn cool.
anyway so yah i've disappeared from the social end of things a bit. it's my birthday next weekend. i'll be 23. holy moly!
but it's cool :D
i think i'm just gonna have a small food get-together on monday night and then go to this folkshow at the backlot... but we'll see.
it's so funny cuz i'm looking back on last year and how much i wanted a great party and how many people i invited. and it was awesome for sure! but i guess it was also a way of proving to myself that i fit in and could make friends etc etc. now i just wanna relax and have a nice time with people i care about.
at the same time... i know everyone has busy lives cuz it's the middle of the term... so any way it happens is okay by me.
even if you haven't seen me in a while i love you!

stressbusting 101??? anyone???!!!

2007-09-26T13:27:25Z

weeeellll. i'm having an exhibit. which i'm a bit terrified about. but whatever.
i haven't slept in days. jack attacked me last night. we kinda got in fight. which resulted in me crying (yes over a cat) and spilling water everywhere. then he peed on important papers in his usual passive-aggressive way.
i realised that mommyhood is something i shouldn't probably consider. unless i have the most amazing and patient and all-loving partner in the world....
my roommates sleep in wayyyy late (cuz they don't usually have morning classes- meanwhile i have morning classes every day) and they also stay up waaaayyyyy later. so it was even harder to get to sleep. which made me cry more. luckily jack then decided to chill out a bit since i think he could sense my intense emotions.
i think i love too much. or i love people/creatures who love me differently than i need to be loved.
anyway i'm covered in claw marks and feeling a little shattered.
my roommate is also allergic to jack. and so he's shut up in my room when she's around. and then he cries. and i alternate between fury (why won't he shuttttuppppppppp)and guilt (i'm a bad mommmyyy for keeping you locked up in my roooom).
he's really needy. like it's not enough to be around me...he needs to be on top of me and being petted by me or being carried around by me.
and i'm trying to get him used to this new litter stuff that is pine and biodegradable and (apparently) flushable. but he doesn't like it. and keeps trying to use the bathroom in other places.
i already haven't handed in two papers. i feel like i'm hanging on by a thread in terms of my sanity.
i mean i'm okay. i'll get through it. it's just right now things seem pretty damn bleak.
i just re-read this. and it sounds pretty hilarious in that it seems like i'm losing it because of a cat... but let's just say he's the "cat"alyst...bahahahahah. okay lame i know!
mostly i'm worried about cash and feeling guilty about being so freaking broke.
i'm juggling part time workstuff with an intense one-woman play reheasal (like 20 pages of intricate dialogue that needs to be in my brain)
trying to do 5 courses (usually i do 4)
keep myself fed and cared for (and jack fed and cared for) on no money
all the bullshit of moving and settling into a new place
not getting any sleep
trying to be social as well
quite lovesick and hearthurted at this point
doing an exhibit
trying to gear up stuff for different on-campus groups
and yah. i guess maybe it's just that time of the year as well...
the end of my self-indulgent rantfest.ta da!

hands from the past

2007-09-24T13:58:23Z

s'funny how reading lj has become part of my life
and i can look for patternssss...like i think that maybe this is just a shitty time of the year. cuz everyone's lj seems to reflect that.
we're tired and frustrated and all the rest...
somehow that gives me comfort.
jackattack gives me muchos lovin.
there's this thing that i need to face. it probably won't sound like a big deal but everytime i think about it my chest gets tight and i want to run away and cry. like my emotions go right out of whack.
a few years ago i went to this activist conference for women and girls.
it was a weeklong thing and i was in a weird headspace anyway. a needing love headspace: i was confused about everything, i was a practicing bulimic (which trust me screws up your emotions hardcore anyway), i was waaaay in the closet. and of course i hated myself.
anyway i go to this conference as this idealistic little thing. looking to make friends and connections and making the big ASSumption that we were all on the same page. which we weren't. i ended up making an arse of myself because i ASSumed people would get that my intentions were honorable-- even if i didn't understand the issues totally or if i couldn't express myself in the appropriate way.
it was a really brutal time for me. i left totally shell-shocked and stopped my interaction with the organization immediately. they still send me letters and emails etc. but i don't respond.
it's been like 3 years. long enough that it shouldn't be an issue. but it still is for me. it's the place i go to- the experience i relive- whenever i start to doubt myself... it's like this thing that confirms my unworthiness.
so now they're offering a media activism workshop. i emailed them to ask about age requirements etc. and i think i will apply if i qualify. cuz see it's been haunting me. and i'd like to let it go. i think that going back as i am now, it could be a positive experience for me. also i could be a gentle buffer maybe for someone else... i dunno. i'll post more if it evolves into anything.

changinglogan @ 2007-09-22T17:46:00

2007-09-22T19:41:01Z

i'm feeling this itch to get outta here
y'know it's been a bajillion years since i've stayed in the same place for more than two years. and well i've still got 6 onths to go until i've been here for 2 years. but ark. i wanna leave.
is it reasonable to consistently look forwards or backwards?
i decided to leave when i was 16 and have adventures for years. but then i decided at 19 that i wanted to be a grown up 9which of course didn't work) and now at almost 23 i am climbing out of skin wanting zero responsibilities.
wanting to leave my house and my cat and my friends and my life and zoom away.
so far i've been pretty good at that. and taken it as a sign to move on when i felt that desire.
but now i gotta wonder...does it make sense to follow that feeling? cuz i think i could be following it my whole life if i let it.
and i'm scared to death of relationships. like this girl who is gone away. sometimes i can't breathe when i think about it. and not in a romantic way. in a "jesus i like her i'm freaking out" way. also... she is very young. maybe that's part of it too. i mean i see her doing these things. things that i've already done. and knowing that we're in such different headspaces should be a clue. but at the same time i don't really want to be with someone in the same headspace as me cuz god knows that might mean commitment...anyway my brain is buzzing and it won't quiet down and i'm fighting this urge to just drop everything and move on. just finish up the semester and take off... but now i guess i'm trapped cuz i didn't have student loans before. and now i've got 5000 weighing me down.
anyway i know it's just stress. that's what i've gotta keep repeating to myself anyway. just stress just stress just stress
but sometimes i don't know
i don't know what i want. i don't know what i'm gettign myself into without realizing it.
okay gonna end this now before my braine xplodes. sorry if it has no rhyme or reason. but that's me right now anyways.

Your new face

2007-09-15T14:16:27Z

I have learned not to worry about love;
but to honor its coming
with all my heart.
To examine the dark mysteries
of the blood
with headless heed and
swirl,
to know the rush of feelings
swift and flowing
as water.
The source appears to be
some inexhaustible
spring
within our twin and triple
selves;
the new face I turn up
to you
no one else on earth
has ever
seen.
--Alice Walker

soooooo... this girl is in love. a distant semi-paused accross the ocean love, but love nonetheless.

on another note: digital multi-media is rocking my socks. we are learning how to use intensive video editing software as well as flash animation, web design etc. mostly i'm interested in the video tho.
i love sci-fi. i love ittttt. i read a book recently called "lady of the mazes". in some ways i didn't like it but the world behind it...like it's structure was soooo fascinating. like the idea that technology affects values (very much from marshall macluhan's "the medium is the message"). so you have these people with different world views/different values who recognize that in order to live within those values their technology needs to reflect that. anyway i can't even really explain it cuz it would take a while maybe and this would be a very boring post indeed.

baby kitty

2007-08-22T13:02:48Z

everyone come visit me and my little demon cat!
i love him :D
there's a facebook album with him that i just made. go look!
here's a sample:

pretty girl

2007-08-09T16:19:17Z

soooo.here's some stuff.
trying to get a place with two girls i know. i'm gonna meet a guy today but he sounds pretty conservative.
so i'm taking out piercings and showering
and dressing like a girl
and putting in dangly earrings

all in the hopes that i can win him over with my normalness
and promise not to have parties
i don't even like having parties anyway
cuz then i've gotta clean up the next day.
way better to have parties at other people's houses

i spent the last two weekends in st john's and exhausted myself.
that place is crawling with dykes.
so much fun.
buuuuuttt tireddddd.

melissa leaves in 16 days
that's so soon
it kinda shocked me today when i realised it
makes me sad
for some reason i'm kinda hopefuly that when she comes back we'll still connect.
eep.
not gonna think about it.
i'll jinx it.
just gonna take things as they come.
...right?

okay time to clean myself up.

sin jawns

2007-07-30T13:17:35Z

hmmm. had a reallllyyyy good weekend in st john's
and i was good. as in not a bit slutface like i thought i might be.
the drive back was insane tho cuz we didn't leave until 5pm.
i was hope in bed at 1:30. part of that was i spent a good 15 minutes driving around the hitch hiker we picked up to try and find the place she was sposed to couch surf with. we were just about to give up and take her to aoife's house to sleep on her couch (we offered that from the beginning but she said the dude was expecting her)when we found the streettt!!
yay for navigating in corner brook.
pride was little less than i expected. i dunno. i guess i was all like "st john's has queers and a gay bar and and this is gonna be out of this world!!!"
but it was a little chill. like anywhere there's problems with gettign enough people excited and participating.
the boat ride was fun! the harbour didn't smell too bad. and i played matchmaker (for someone elseee...like i said, i was good!)
sun sushi was scrumptious. and the sprout delish.
we had sunday brunch at cora's. oh my.

okay. worky worky.

st. john's or bust?!

2007-07-26T12:55:47Z

kay...for the first post in a gazillion years.
hm. driving to st. john's tomorrow with chelse and aoife (she's the awesome irish intern working at the gallery with me)
i'm pretty excited.
and going to s'ville tonight to visit girly.
whooo....is not really my girly anymore. but man it's hard to really stop things. especially when you're not sure if you really want them to. and then you think about her and you go all gooey on the inside.
she said that a line in a song reminds her of me.
don't worry, nothing pukey sweet
"overly excited and easily confused"
yep that's it.
i do believe nancy said something along those lines as well.
is it true?
maybe...i do get pretty pumped about stuff
annnndddd. then i can get distracted/lose interest etc.
erp. when oh when will i be a grown up?
i have earwigs in my house. and i've halted my no-kill policy.
i grab 'em and flush 'em. cuz they'll swarm me otherwise.
made the most delish pizza last night with aoife and benny and scott.
whole wheat crust (we bought the dough from coleman's and just rolled it out)
with pasta/pizza sauce, spinach, mushrooms, avocado(trust me on this one!!!), sliced tofurkey italian sausage (trust me again), and chedder and havarti cheese.
*orgasms*
yep. so we ate pizza and lemon meringue pie. and drank boones. and scott and i made a bet for two bottles of boones. and i'm like 98% sure that i won (need to do a bit of research on the computer to make sure)
anyhoo. as per usual i'm mostly happy and sane.
don't like being at yelled at in public tho. nope. not my thing.
in fact i almost left the other night.
but whatever...
see yah in st john's suckers :D

changinglogan @ 2007-06-30T15:36:00

2007-06-30T18:20:02Z

well last night was really rockin'
and i'm feeling it a little today but not toooooo badly.
suzanne is much much worse!
oh the joy of seeing my pain mirrored in another equally hungover face
...
party last night, party tonight, party tomorrow night!
yippee for good friends and holiday weekends
me no drinky tonight tho
and last night i was a little stoopid
but i'm not worrying about it. shit happens.

gonna make something good tonight.
like yoghurt berry popsicle things
mom used to make them when i was a kid.