well i just read through my posts from the summer and realized that since a fair bit has changed/evolved i should really do an update.
plus i really like having some kind of tangible marker of where i've been and where i'm going.
altho life isn't really all that linear.
well maybe if you're someone who learns things the first time, but for me it's more of a loop-de-loop!

lesseee... i'm helping harvest veggies and that's always fun! yay for digging in the dirt searching for those pretty blue and red potatoes. and woooooooo for pulling up the babiest of carrots and scrubbing them clean and munching on em.
and yippppeee for climbing apple trees and gathering way too many in the excitement of it alllll and then spending 12+ hours in the kitchen making every kind of appley delight you can imagine.(anyone want some applesauce or date apple chutney or apple juice...and that's just the beginning)

so home life is fun right now and it's great to feel like i'm getting into that comfortable routine of existence. especially since i spent most of august running around with buddies and then roadtripping with my momma and finally helping michelle move to st john's.

i am doing the ott program (orientation to trades and technology for women) that i mentioned in a previous post. it's been a summer of effing around and trying to figure out the system and it felt like i was losing and there were moments of stress and panic. but in the end it worked out better than i could have hoped. i had accepted that HRLE wasn't gonna give me funding and after flirting with the idea of applying for income support i backed down in the face of the scary forms. they wanted to own me and i couldn't deal with that. so the college said that i could just pay regular college tuition (bit over $1,000) rather than the actual cost of the program (read: $10,000) and while i didn't exactly have the money i agreed because it was worth it. figured i'd get a part time job while going to school and since i'm living off dear old dad i don't need to worry about rent or food.

THENNNNNNNNNN yesterday the woman who i've been getting help from called and said that the program would be paid for :D which is awesome because then the college gets the full value from HRLE and i don't need to worry about getting shortchanged or kicked out if too many people drop out etc.... since the whole reason the college was able to offer me the deal was because all the other women were getting sponsored.

see the program covers everything! travel and equipment and clothing and when we travel we are even paid a per diem. so it's pretty fucking sweet but i was worried if i wasn't sponsored that i'd have to pay for all the extra stuff. but now there's no worries!!!

and what makes the whole thing more amazing is that all these people were working behind the scenes for me. i had given up on the idea and they continued to advocate for me because they cared. so i feel pretty much in love with the world right now. lookeee the world really is a good place kids!

leaving michelle in st john's was super hard. but it's also incredible to know that we're so connected to each other already (altho it hasn't been so long timewise i figure we got past life stuff going on or something) that i know we're gonna be okay. it feels like she's my partner in this. i'm gonna get out to see her and she's gonna come out and visit me. it's a wicked feeling this mutuality thing. definitely give it a try :P i'll be in st john's for thanksgiving weekend/my birthday celebration.

ohhhh and i fergot! the reason i can say with such surety when i'll be in sj is becauseeeeeeeee....wait for it.... i have a car! well it's not actually mine..more of a lender from my baby step bro who's in university and doesn't get to take it with him. it's a sweet little pontiac sunfire? or something like that. hahahah. i suck so bad at cars. but now i know how to check oil and fill up washer fluid and check brake fluid and how to get a boost if my battery dies and fill up tires with air and check the radiator thing. kekekekek. i feel so butchy. and i know just the fact that i feel that way because i know some stuff makes me the opposite of butchy. but shhhhhhhh let me live my dream!

okay phewffffff. done with updates. i'm pumped for school on monday and home life is good and i'm in love with the most beautiful and loverly dudeeeeface (read: michelle)

so be happy for me dammitttttt! and i'll be happy for you :D

you know those annoying cute little anime characters that are short and squat and turn their eyes into boingy hearts and vomit flowers...
well i've become one

seriously feel free to shoot me (or throw ashley's scabs at me, which is a worse fate according to me)
i don't know what to do with myself.
but secret of secrets i'm kind of enjoying my total love sick lameness
because a) it's reciprocated
and b) sometimes it's fun to not worry about keeping it all cool so you don't get hurt

but if you see me in the street you might want to avoid me cause its a little out of control. i can't promise that i won't spontaneously burst into songs of the disney princess variety. or that i won't skip down the street dragging you with me.

of course i'm sure i'll find way to ruin it all by farting or getting spinach in my teeth or slipping on a banana peel but it's dangerous and unexplored territory nonetheless.

but you know what i deserve thissss *crosses arms and puts down foot*
i've had lots of years of complicated brutal relationships and it's time for things to be easy and fun and lovely.

on the home front things are a-ok. i got upset with my dad the other day for telling me to clean my room in front of some peeps. and he wasn't very tactful and didn't take into consideration the fact that i had been working non-stop and was stuck in cb. we finally talked about it today since when the situation actually happened i just emotionally shut down, as per usual. so we were driving today and he asked how i was doing and i said stressed and he said what about and i talked about lots of other stuff.... and almost didn't bring it up at all cause i didn't want him to react badly but finally i said "you know dad i really didn't like it when you told me to clean my room in from of michelle and my friends the other day. i found it pretty embarrassing and inappropriate etc etc" and he agreed with me and apologised!!!!! holyyy smokesssssss. so of course i got all teary just from the release of tension and we talked for a while and it was good. told him how i was scared of being isolated in deer lake etc etc. i gotta remember to give him the benefit of the doubt. i'm not in high school anymore and he's changed a lot. i just need to keep making myself open. which is a really hard thing for me. i definitely struggle with it since once you make yourself open to someone you face rejection. butttt. i can do it. at least i think i can.

and then later he came down to the tv room and apologised again and asked if i wanted to watch a movie with him tonight and eat some popcorn. so that's what we did :D i love my dad. we're just so similar sometimes. hardheaded.

eating berries by the spoonful that me and michelle and amy and ash picked yesterday. i basically forced them too :D
and now i'm eating all of them.hahahah.
i narrowly avoided eating a little wormy maggot. prolly would've served me right.
and the fact that i only found one of them makes me think i might have eaten a few others. yummm protein!
so i'm alternating between extreme happiness and extreme stress right now.
i know things are gonna balance out. well i hope so.
babysitting is gonna end in a week. thank goddddddddd.
altho then i need to do some thinking about money.
i'm still waiting to hear back about funding for the ott program. it would settle some things if i knew for sure i was going to get it. i have a plan B in the works but this program would do a lot for me i think.
my dad is making me mental.
and i thought the purpose of letting me live at the ranch was not to make me mental...
i know i need to just talk to him about some stuff because he doesn't understand how some things affect me.
like he thinks because i don't respond it doesn't get to me but when i don't respond that's because it's affecting me the most and my non-response is a defense mechanism so i don't lose it completely. i mean he's my dad and as much as i do the rebellious thing sometimes i still have that stupid ingrained father worship bullshit and i hate to disappoint him and it kills me when i think i might be doing that and of course that's the card he always plays...gah
my eating and sleeping and physical activity level is fucked up.... not a good feeling. i need some space to get back to myself but i'm working so much that i don't have more than a day to myself. and i know i need at least two or three days to feel balanced.
butttt on the bright side being with michelle is like the most amazing thing everrrr :D :D :D
i don't need to hide any part of myself which is refreshing (altho all of you in healthy relationships are probably like "hide a part of yourself? wtf logan...what kind of fucked up shit were you involved in before???" hahahaha) anddd yahhh pretty much as happy as a pig in shit. how's that fer romance?

so
i'm back to living with the folks. soon to be on the ranch. moving in this weekend. stuff's good i think. smart move maybe altho it takes getting used to. dad and i clashed for the first time yesterday and today. wanted to beat his face in. man he can make me feel so fucking small. i hate that he has that effect on me.
the feelings it brings up in me are intense. whenever i feel like someone affects me enough that my emotions are no longer in my control i wanna shove them out of my life. likeeee. today when we clashed i wanted to suck back into myself so no one could reach me and i wanted to tell dad i was moving out.
it's funny to have such extreme responses to things that are not such a big deal. well they shouldn't be a big deal but for some reason my emotions get stirred up intensely over things that for anyone else would be nothing.
but i guess the thing is to just be aware of it. and when i get those feelings to try and ride them out without doing anything extreme. cause i always regret it afterwards when i've calmed down.

i'm also looking into doing a trade in the next year. i think i'm mostly interested in welding but i don't know enough about it to be sure. there's an orientation to trades and technology program for women that i thought was maybe kinda lame before but i talked to some people about it today and it might make sense for me. especially if i can get funding. basically it's a six month program where i get hands on experience with a bunch of trades as well as just personal development stuff (which i def need cause i have huge issues with work ethic and following through on stuff... it would be cool to have some space to explore that) and i also get to complete courses that i would need to do for a trade anyway (like first aid and workplace health and safety and math and physics and computers) so i would get advanced standing in a trade program. also the welding programs have waiting lists so even if i apply now (which i am doing) i won't get in until sept 2009.

my family isn't really a community college kind of family which is funny cause my dad works at college of the north altantic. but he's a fucking snob sometimes with his phd. when i told him what i was considering he looked at me like i was crazy and laughed. which was pretty hurtful for sure. but i glad i didn't shut down in the face of that (altho it took me a few breaths to calm down) and i explained my rationale. which is that i want stability in my life. i want a job that can support my passions as well as myself and my partner. i also want a job that i don't have to take home with me. both my parents are academics and teachers and their jobs follow them everywhere. i don't handle stress well. i don't need to be intellectually challenged in the workplace because i crumble under that kind of pressure. i make sure i am always learning and growing in my daily life. i want a kind of job that keeps me active because i get spastic if i sit in one place for too long or if i can't move my body. i hate offices. when i do something that's physical and repetitive it's like meditation to me. it's healing. i want security in a job. i want shit laid out for me so i can do it because i have a hard time keeping myself on track.

anyway for all those reasons and more i want to explore trades. and i think dad could see where i was coming from.

there's also a new girl in my life. i haven't written anything about it until now but i guess i'm feeling pretty solid with her. she's pretty fucking special and it's definitely a crazy connection that i haven't experienced before. and there's a chillness to it that i can appreciate coming out of a year and a half off again on again relationship that was always intense and exhausting and always hard work. when i talk to people about it i just explain that it's like the opposite of what i had before where i always was on edge and trying so hard to keep things good. in this case- with new girl- it would take a lot of hard work and effort to make what is between us shitty. and i'm not really interested in hard work these days :P it's summmer timeeeee!

jaysuzzzzz

beats head in with dora the explorer paraphernalia

never having kids never having kids never having kids never having kids

so i like kids
but holy heck. not when it comes to babysitting for 24hrsx4 plus 3x13hrs STRAIGHTTTT
and i'm only on day 3 of the 24 hours
wants to cryyyyyy

the kids are pretty cool even. but i feel so trapped i want to chew off my own leg
cause like i can't go anywhere or do anything without loading up mommy van with whiny kids and all their junk. can't go for an hour without bringing snacks and entertainment and they have shorter attention spans than i do!

complain about everyyything

and when i give completely rational instructions like "please don't throw rocks at that truck" or "please brush your teeth" they look at me like i'm the antichrist.

and the one time i tried to cook them something remotely resembling healthy food they threated to tell their mom that they didn't want me to ever come back babysitting again. of course i replied "give 'errrrr"
heh
and now i just let them eat whatever crap they're used to. can't save 'em all.

yah i don't really put up with a lot. and i am a bit evil cause i let them get all riled up about stuff if they want to. but whateves. just trying to cope. single mothers always had my respect but now they have my fucking worshippppp.

oh dudessss
i so don't know what i'm doing

ashley you are right. don't count on me for st john's. cause i don't have a fuckin clueeeeeeeee.
i'm now looking up programs in trades and technology. yep yep.

dad wants me to move to the ranch.
oh yah. he bought a ranch.

and i don't wanna be away from marble over the winter.
that's lame huh
see it's pointless to post anything here.
cause i just change my mind two seconds later and feel like a dweebface.

that's right. a dweebfaceeeeeee!

i haven't been able to write here lately.
i'll start something and stop
or even post something and delete it a few min later
i've realised it's a strange feeling to let people into your head when you don't know where your head is.
some kind of vulnerability.

since i got back from halifax things have been all craziness
i'm living in rez at the school
my cat is still gone and gone for good
my year long off again on again has been off for 2 weeks today
the longest it ever has been and i guess that means it's sticking

and it's hard especially when i'm suddenly hearing all the stuff i wanted to hear from the beginning
i never believed in too little too late
but now i can understand emotional exhaustion

looks like i might be in st john's in the fall doing another college diploma
right now i'm waiting on a babysitting gig to start to get me stress free through this summer

i don't know why i'm even updating this. i got nothing!
anyone who is in my life and who i want to know all this messy randomness probably already knows it.
think this might be my last entry.

don't be surprised if i disappear :) altho i do like reading other people's secrets. sighhhhh. it's a toss up.

sitting in my sister's teeny but lovely apartment
been here since wednesday leaving again on wednesday
my bro and his gf were here as well for the weekend
wood sibling reunion :D
always good times!

got out to the gay bar and made some new friends
watched a dude set himself on fire
saw a few drag queens
and an especially lovely king

now i'm feeling lost for a couple reasons i think.
i just moved out of where i was staying in corner brook
and left things kind of weird

actually that's the deal... i did my usual "need to get out now" without thinking about casualties
moved out of my house
left jack and people behind
ended something with someone
left art show unfinished
disappointed friends
didn't print shirts

basically i didn't follow through and that knowledge makes me miserable
didn't wanna feel so i got caught up in leaving and visiting and doing
and now the adrenalin is gone and i'm left feeling just as lost as i did when i started

someone told me that they didn't know where we were. makes my heart hurt cause i don't wanna tangle someone up in my stuff. funny thing is that i'm doing exactly what i get so scared about--- pushing the people away who i care about so much.

anyway i'm coming back to cb on the 22nd so i can hopefully repair some damage. say sorry to some peoples faces. and try to pick up the pieces.

but then i'm heading to st john's to follow through on my past life regression.
the last one i did was about my dad. not sure if i wrote about it here... maybe in my old lj. anyway he and i had a crappy crappy relationship for years. and i understood part of it but there were things i couldn't forgive or get past. cause it seemed to me like he had been the one to fuck up bigtime. i blamed everything on him. anyway i knew i wanted it to be better and i also knew that i wanted to do a past life regression. my mom had done a few and told me about them and a good friend of mine did one after we talked about it and i had been reading about them for a while.
a friend of my mom's did it for me. and it was intense although it took me a while to get into that place of deep meditation and trust this other person to guide me through whatever was happening (i like to be in control of myself so it was a challenge) anyway i went backwards on a journey. two different lives that helped explain some of the emotional and unreasonable reactions i had to my dad and that he had to me.
it was funny because i didn't even need to talk to him about it later. it was enough that i understood and could see that whatever problems we had were not only his doing. it let me be a part of the solution. and now 2 years later we have an amazing relationship.
i guess i feel like cause it worked for me so well (altho i question it a lot in many ways i cannot question the fact that it changed things for the better) i want to use it again for this thing that i'm finding super hard.
mainly how to accept love and feel secure in it and not run away from life all the time.
i don't mean just with people i'm dating... like in general with friends and stuff.
finding a place where i can really trust my friends and my loves and be okay with the messiness of stuff.
cause normallyy i just wait till things start to fuck up and then i do spring cleaning where i move away (i've moved 11 times at least... and that doesnt include moving to multiple houses in one city) and leave boyfriend/girlfriend and purposely lose touch with friends and start all fresh.
it's kind of an addiction. my great escape plan.

anddd in case you can't tell i'm sick to death of it.
sick of not being willing to work for things that are important to me
sick of not trusting people and therefore being up and down and up and down
sick of not being able to relax into the idea of being in someone's life and having them in mine
sick of holding shit in until it unpleasantly explodes instead of being upfront and giving the person the chance to respond
sick of leaving stuff undone (for other people to figure out)
sick of being so goddam sensitive cause i'm so afraid someone's trying to hurt me
sick of being so effin analytical cause i'm always trying to stay one step ahead of the game and interpret the persons moods feelings so i can act accordingly and not be caught off guard and therefore hurt
sick sick sick of always running away

so yah :P this is stuff i've been thinking about for a while but i feel like it's come to a head in cb cause there's so many people who i care about and i like my life and i fell flat on my arse in love. makes me actually wanna deal....

L

guess its that time again...
cant write about it now cuz im glommed up in the middle of it
and i can see it happening and almost touch it but im not sure how its all gonna pan out.

expect rambling explanatory analytical post sometime soon.

ps. i am going to halifax for a week
pps. in st johns i am doing another past life regression

weeellll...
im finally getting on the ball with the screen printing. woot woot.
i did some shirts a couple weeks ago but then was waiting for my american apparel order to come in.
and its in :D

so printy printy inky dirty for me

exciting but nervousness

signed up for crazy business type stuff like a paypal account and special shipping rates with canada post.

and having an exhibition for the month of may at the arts and culture centre.

my personal life is a mish-mash
but i guess thats how things go.

my computer is set to french canadian and dont know how to change it. so im not using apostrophes or question marks etc etc. what fun.

the end